My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
