So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
