So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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