i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
