maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
