Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
