just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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