Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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