You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
