I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
