That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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