I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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