Where are you?
In a non slutty way
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
