Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
