Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
