if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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