found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
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so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
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Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.