I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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