I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
