I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
