My liver just broke up with me...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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