Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
