I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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