I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
