you would pick up someone in the library
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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