dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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