hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
