You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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