honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
