No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
