I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The uberlube is also flammable
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
