My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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