Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
