I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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