If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
