During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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