I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
