y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
