My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
