They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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