my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I did not marry a roomba.
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