I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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