i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
