the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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