it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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