I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
