no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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