She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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