i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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