Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
