Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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