You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
