sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
