My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
