i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
