i just had sex bonerless
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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