you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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