So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
