there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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