he wants to bone in the snuggie
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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