Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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